Shoes for Sale

A client of mine that I hadn't seen in several years heard about the death of my husband Tom.  After an initial email of condolence, she wrote me the following:

I guess because you've been on my mind all week... Had a dream last night that I went to your house and you were with a lot of people, as Shiva was being held.  So I went outside, and was by the water, when your son Danny came up and started talking about love and how he had just realized how much he was surrounded by love.  Then we went inside and someone had started building shelves and putting shoes on them .. to sell.  Not your shoes, they were going to open a shoe shop.  Have NO idea what any of that might mean ... possibly nothing!  But it was odd I even recalled it, and still now later in the day its so vivid.

I sat with her dream for awhile.  Then I wrote her back:

First of all, what Danny said to you was exactly what he has been saying to the many visitors who came during the week of Shiva which ended yesterday...

Here is what I understand about the second part of the dream, the shoes: Tom was the most grounded person I have ever met. He was the source of stability for our family and for so many that came in touch with him. The way he walked on this earth was solid. He modeled a way of living that was present, mindful in each moment, whether talking to someone, looking at or painting a piece of fruit or a cloud, sailing a boat, fishing with his granddaughters or repairing any of the broken things that it seemed only he could fix.

During the week of Shiva, as we talked about his life, we were dispensing stories about the way he walked in the world. The memories people shared of  the impact he had on them offered very vivid examples of how to live as he did, with two feet on the ground. The shoes, the way to walk, were on the shelves for all to see. Each person that visited was given the opportunity  to "buy" what they were hearing - to take ownership of their own way of walking in the world in the grounded way that Tom walked.

Does the shoe fit? Anyway, that's how I interpret the dream ....

Please feel free to offer comments so that I and others may benefit.  In future postings, I hope to share some stories about Tom and reflections about our life together.

A New Day

My cousin Michael wrote to me and reminded me of my last posting on this blog.  He thought it was a preparation.  The blog was dated January 1st of this year 2011.  In it, I welcomed the new year and wrote:

"We are alive, now. Next year at this time we may or may not be.  Right now, we have all the conditions we need to welcome this day and be grateful for it.  To look at the people in our lives, really see them, and say, "I am here for you."  I am here.  I am.  What a wondrous awareness to accept this blessing of life.  Yes, it is 2011 already!  Welcome to the new day, the new year."

In the months between then and now, that has been my practice. Waking up, I have directed my attention to be thankful each day for the gift of 24 brand new hours and for the gift of my loving husband Tom. How fortunate I have been to live with this awareness.

Exactly three weeks ago tonight, on July 9th, 2011, we were in Chicago to attend the wedding of his brother's son.  On a beautiful balmy night, in an atmosphere of joy and celebration, surrounded by family and dancing with Tom, I had the thought "I am perfectly happy."  Moments later, Tom collapsed on the floor.  In less than two hours, he died in an emergency room of a massive heart attack.

The past three weeks have been filled with one intense experience after another: the grief reaction of the body, the outpouring of support and compassion, the stories recounting small acts of kindness and the realization of what a huge impact even a small act of kindness can have, the opportunity to learn from the past, the ever present choice to move forward on the path of regret or of gratitude.  Above all, the love.

Everything I've spent years learning is now being put to the test.  Once again, I am turning to this blog as a way of sorting through my own experience and sharing with anyone who chooses to benefit.  I continue to believe that we are all connected, that we are more similar than different, that what I have taken from my experience may speak not only for me, but perhaps for you too.  Please feel free to share your comments so that others may benefit.